Gary's Bio
Gary Stallard spent a career as a U.S. Marine before completing his bachelor's degree at Stephen F. Austin University, where he majored in English and Journalism. For nine years, he worked as a sports writer/columnist/photographer for the Lufkin Daily News, for whom he continues to contribute free-lance articles. Stallard has won several awards for writing, including the Golden Hoops Award for basketball writing in 2003, Regional Sports Writer of the Year in 2004, and the Texas Press Association's first-place award for column writing in 2007. He has also done basketball, football and baseball radio and web stream play-by-play and color commentary for an ESPN affiliate. He currently works at Angelina College as the Coordinator of Marketing and Development, Sports Information Director and writing instructor.
Prior to arriving at Angelina College, Stallard taught English at Lufkin High School for four years.
He and his wife Susan live in Lufkin.
Adventures in House-Cleaning, Male Style
By: Gary Stallard
Last week, I spent several hours attempting to do something nice for my wife.
I tried to do a little house cleaning.
I had a day off, but my lady had to work. I thought I´d earn some big hubby points by knocking out some of the chores I knew she´d try to do when she got home. You know, the basics: Vacuuming, loading the dishwasher, tossing in a couple of loads of laundry. Simple stuff, right?
Ri-i-i-ght.
I failed to take into account my utter lack of competence in all things housework-related. I survived years as a bachelor, never comprehending how different my version of “clean”would be to a woman. Making the bed made no sense to me, since I planned to crawl right back in it that night. I didn´t need post-it notes; I just wrote notes to myself in the layers of dust on the furniture. I kept my laundry in three separate piles: Dirty, Really Dirty, and Too Funky to Wear. And hey, I always thought those stains on the walls looked like some form of abstract art. Sort of a Picasso in his Slob Period.
After an hour, I began hoping it would be like my college Algebra class. I never got a right answer, but I got credit for showing my work. Only way I passed.
Started by vacuuming the house. Here´s a question: Why do women use those dinky little vacuum cleaners for housework? It´s cute, but for this day I busted out the ol´ Shop Vac from the garage. Ten gallon, five ragin´ horsepower. Gave my best Tim Allen “Ahh, ahh, ahh”pig noise. Sucked the dust out of the house in no time flat.
Of course, now I can´t find any of our rugs, our blankets or pillows, or the dog and cat.
But by golly, that floor was SPARKLIN´.
Note to self: Stop sucking the cat´s tail up the vacuum. That noise she made nearly made me wet myself.
Washed the dishes. Rather, I piled them into the dishwasher. I can´t figure out how she manages that whole jigsaw-puzzle routine, stacking everything all nice and neat. I jam those suckers in as high as they´ll fit.
Moments later, the dishwasher was throwing knives at me across the kitchen. Guess maybe she´s onto something.
Saved the pots for washing by hand. Had a sneaky motive for this one: The last time she walked in and caught me with my hands in the sink, she got all excited. Matthew McConaughey in a Speedo couldn´t have gotten her that fired up.
And to think: All that time tracking down wine and roses for her. All that money I´ve spent on Axe body sprays and colognes? Coulda saved it all and spent a buck fifty on a bottle of Palmolive dishwashing soap.
Jammed a full load of laundry into washing machine. No time to sort it all out, the way she always does.
Hey, wait a minute. Washing machines aren´t supposed to buck, are they? I stayed on for the full eight seconds, but I don´t think the judges are going to award me any points for the ride - especially when they see the mess in the laundry room.
It took me a total of three and a half hours to do what she knocks out in about 30 minutes. Now I´m thinking maybe she does one of those Samantha Stevens “Bewitched”thingys with her nose. You know, the “beekle, beekle, beekle”and suddenly everything´s clean?
Still, I was proud of my efforts. Thought, “I´m gonna stand at the door and wag my tail like a dog gone potty in the right place when she comes in and sees what I´ve done. I just KNOW I´m gonna score points with this.”
Then it hit me. She does this kind of stuff every…single…day. Not once has she waited for me at the door, waiting on some sort of gold star on her report card. She does it, and never says a word.
I tucked my tail - and my new perspective - between my legs, and waited for her to come home. If she notices, great. If not, that´s okay, too.
But I make myself a promise to notice all these things she does from now on.
It´ll be a lot easier than riding a washing machine.
Goodbye to a Decade Made for Sports Fans
By: Gary Stallard
It´s time to bid farewell to the “Aughts.”
You know, as in “Aught eight”, or “Aught nine.” The years preceded by zeros on our calendar.
And what a decade it was for sports fans. To think that just 10 short years ago, I huddled in my Y2K bunker awaiting the end of the world with the rest of the paranoids. (Not true. I celebrated too much that New Year´s Eve and completely forgot I was supposed to awaken to the end times.)
With the advent of such high-tech treats as wireless internet, smart phones and high-def TVs, we sports nuts couldn´t help but think the 2000s arrived just in time - and solely - for us.
Consider: When the calendar turned in 2000, I was still watching sports on my 15-year old, 32-inch Sony TV with a picture that, on a good day, allowed me to read players´ numbers. Tonight, I´ll settle in front of my 52-inch flat screen with the wondrous high definition picture sharp enough to allow me to count sweat beads, if I´m so inclined. (I won´t be.) In those days, if I wanted to record a game I´d miss, I had to buy a blank VHS tape and hope I programmed the fickle machine correctly. Now, I´m a DVRin´ dude.
Those televisions have also been a big reason for the explosion experienced by the gaming industry. Anybody remember Atari baseball? Little dots on the screen representing players, and a joystick that really was nothing but a stick? Now we´ve got graphics good enough to fool passersby into thinking they´re viewing a real game.
And how about the internet? Back then, I had internet service, but it was dial-up and took forever to download any sort of sports update. Forget trying to view photos, unless I had a few days off. Today, not only do we fans have high-speed ‘net - also available in wireless form - but we also have internet access on our phones. On our telephones! Hallelujah and pass the ESPN! Raise your hands if you´ve sat in meetings or other important gatherings, getting scores and updates on your phone when you were supposed to be paying attention to something else. (My hand is up.) In 2000, “4G” would have represented how much money former NBA ref and high-stakes gambler Donaghy dropped on an NBA game he was calling.
The advent of those smart phones is also a big reason fantasy team ownership has multiplied exponentially. By 2007, an estimated 15 billion - of which I am NOT one - fans participated in some form or fashion. A sports fan´s dream: Owning a team without paying the high salaries or dealing with all the whining.
Did someone say whining? In the ‘90s, we had to read about a petulant star´s unhappiness in the newspapers or on TV sportscasts. Now we can log on to Twitter and read every single, mundane thought - however relevant or irrelevant it may be. (I really don´t want to know what Ochocinco is doing right now. I have a life of my own.) When I grow up, I want to think my little world is that vital to man´s existence. I can´t wait to become a Twit.
If you don´t Tweet, you can always find a blog. Seems that blogs are now like bellybuttons; everyone´s got one, so what´s the big deal? Can we really come up with something different to say regarding steroids and baseball?
Gone now are the plain ol´, everyday paper posters of our favorite stars, replaced by the aptly named “Fatheads.” In addition, in this past decade we learned that because of free agency, it´s okay to have one player´s name and number on three different replica jerseys. Thus, we discovered who the team fans are, and who simply follows a single player. Personally, I´m still wearing my old Bears´ throwback with the number “20”. It´s either Bob Nowaskey´s from the 1940 Bears, or Mark Carrie from the 1996 bunch. Who cares? I just like the jersey.
A full decade designed just for sports fans. Who´d a ever thunk it?
So goodbye, Aught-1 through Aught-9. Thanks for everything. And welcome, 2010s. You Aught to be even better than your predecessor.
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They Still Love Green Eggs and Ham  Don Lymbery, resplendent in a Seuss-like tie and Zoo cap, reads Dr. Seuss’ “If I Ran the Zoo”
Photo by: Gary Stallard PCA Students, Staff Celebrate Dr. Seuss
By: Gary Stallard
Wed., March 24, 2010
When it comes to eating green eggs and ham, the kids at Pineywoods Community Academy tend to lean a little more toward Sam-I-Am’s point of view.
In fact, they DO like green eggs and ham.
The charter school recently celebrated the birthday of Theodor Seuss Giesel - the beloved Dr. Seuss - by feasting on the strange-colored meal and listening to special guests reading their favorite books aloud. Karen Hutto and the cafeteria staff cooked up the eggs and ham, PCA teacher Reyna Smith wore a classic Cat-in-the-Hat on her head, and Jenny Garza decorated the stage with a replica of the house the sly feline visited in one of Seuss’ most memorable creations.
First-grade teacher Jamie Johnson said the school has held the celebration for four years, with the need for bigger space increasing as the tribute grew to much larger proportions.
“We celebrate Dr. Seuss’ birthday and all the things he’s done for us with his work, especially when it comes to helping children learn to read,” Johnson said. “We started off with people reading in the classrooms, and it’s grown to the point now where we need the auditorium, and we have guest readers participating every year. It’s funny, because the children can remember something the readers did or said from a year before, and our readers are always so honored to be a part of this.”
On this day, Mary Grider of the Kurth Library read “Green Eggs and Ham.” Don Lymbery donned a Sues-type tie and ZOO cap while reading “If I Ran the Zoo” - drawing giggles when he described the Fizza-ma-Wizza-ma-Dill - and Dr. Jerry Jenkins added his own touch to some of the characters Seuss left the world.
The kids listen, many of them reciting along with the readings, so embedded are the stories in their young minds. They don’t know - nor would they care - that Theo Giesel won an Academy Award for the documentary “Design for Death” about the Japanese culture during WWII; or that Dr. Seuss wrote most of his works in something called “anapestic tetrameter”; or that many of his books were considered allegories, including “Horton Hears a Who”, which was Seuss’ view on the American post-war occupation of Japan.
The kids don’t care. They love the rhymes, the goofy pictures and, of course, the names and never-to-be-forgotten creatures. Benjamin Bicklebaum. Sylvester McMonkey McBean. The Bippo-No-Bungus. The Foona-Lagoona Baboona.
Those names and words are, according to Johnson, the very reason Seuss’ works have left such an everlasting impact on young readers.
“For one thing, they’re very funny and entertaining, and kids love anything that’s funny. And anything that has to do with rhyming helps with their phonemic awareness and their abilities to sound out words, decode them and read through the book. Several of his words we use repeatedly, and it helps build the kids’ fluency and self-esteem while they’re reading.
“For a child, silly words are so much more fun to read.”
Minding My Business in Lufkin
By: Gary Stallard
Wed., Jan. 13, 2010, 3:00 pm CST
There´s a reason I prefer to do all my business right here in Lufkin.
Actually, there are lots of reasons, and they all have names and faces.
That´s the cool thing about living here. I don´t have business associates; I have friends with whom I do business. We don´t have meetings. We have receptions and reunions.
For example, when I walk into the Angelina County Teachers´ Credit Union, I have to allot at least an additional 15 minutes to do business. It´s not because they´re slow; far from it. It´s because I have to visit with Gayle and Phyllis, trading stories and pics of our grandkids. It´s part of our routine. Grandkids first, business later. I wouldn´t change it for anything.
These types of relationships make my business excursions more pleasurable experiences. If I take my truck to Wright Brothers for its usual oil change, I know I´ll be talking baseball with Jim Holton while waiting for my vehicle.
There are benefits to such relationships. During the holiday season, Greg, Gary and the gang at Diamond Photo went out of their way to help me put photos in my wife´s new locket I´d gotten her for Christmas. They didn´t have to do this. They did it because they cared.
Same for the folks at Tommy´s Watch Repair. I needed the locket engraved, and they managed to squeeze me in despite their incredibly hectic holiday schedules. When they were finished, they charged me less than half of what they´d quoted, just because they said it was a special gift.
I could go on and on. Doug Russell at East Texas Monuments gave me a great idea for making a patio table for my lady´s Christmas gift. The ladies at Kay Jewelers know my wife and me well enough now that when we enter the store, they already know why we´re there. They´re either really good at reading minds, or they just pay attention to their customers.
Back in the fall, I had to buy a new wireless card for my laptop. My buddy L.A. at the AT&T store knows I´m not real bright with some of this technical stuff, so he actually came to my house during his lunch break to help me set everything up. It took an hour. Ten minutes for L.A. to do his magic, and the rest of the time to sit on my back porch and catch up on life in general.
So many more people like this in Lufkin. Peggy Rains at the Lufkin Daily News, talking kids and advertising with me every time she calls. Ricky McNeal and Greg Little at Loving Toyota, knocking themselves out to help us with a new car. Chad and Lisa at Chili´s, seeing me come through the door and having my drink ready before I´ve even taken a seat. The ladies at China Garden who, when my favorite buffet entrée - General Tso´s chicken, if you´re keeping score - runs out, making sure I never have to wait for a refill. Jennifer at the Lufkin Mall, calling not for a business reason but just to see how I´m doing.
Sure, I could get the same products and services out of town - but with people like this greeting me, why in the world would I? The possibility of saving a few bucks isn´t near as appealing as seeing pictures of Michael (Phyllis´ grandson) or hearing how J.P. (Jim Holton´s son) is doing on the baseball field.
There are those who might say these people treat me so well just because we´re friends. I´d beg to differ.
We´re friends because they treat me so well.
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